Hello everyone…
Can I share? Can I share exactly what I’m going through RIGHT now?
Thank you for letting me be free…
So we just got off the road and I’m back in Baltimore for the next few days that we have off. Coming back home can sometimes be the hardest thing for me. There used to be a time where I would dread coming home and not because I didn’t want to see my mom, dad and sisters but because seeing my dad would be one of the most painful experiences to deal with.
Our relationship was always strong. He was such a hard worker growing up. But the truth is, he’s dying now. And its one of the hardest things to watch.
You would never anticipate watching your parents/loved ones die before your eyes. The same guy that used to chase my older sister and I around the dining room table with a belt in his hand ready to whip us is now the same man who doesn’t know my name because Alzheimer’s has robbed him of everything. I bathe him, I clean him, I feed him, I hug him and kiss him.
But the regardless of how many times I repeat my name and try to ask the simplest of questions, he just doesn’t know. My dad and I used to talk a few years ago about how my first video would be when, I “made it” as a singer, and now that I just shot my first video, I’d give anything for him to be able to sit up and watch it with the complete knowledge that its really his little girl.
I’d give anything for him to know that the conversations we would share about what “I would be when I grew up,” are now becoming my reality. I’d GIVE ANYTHING for him to look at me with those same eyes that used to read, “I love you” as opposed to the eyes that now read, “Who are you?”
Sometimes when I talk to him, I can look at him and tell that he wants to understand what I’m saying, he WANTS to know what I’m talking about, but just doesn’t have the mental capacity to “get it.”
I never cry in front of my mom. I know she looks to me for strength. It’s beyond difficult for her. Sometimes I can’t even fathom how she manages to take care of him all by herself when I’m not here; it TRULY is a job. I almost fell down the steps trying to carry him to the tub, and OMG that scared me so badly it took 20 minutes for my heart to stop racing. I respect my mom so much for basically giving up her life to continue taking care of her husband.
But then I wonder, how much longer can she do this? It’s physically tearing her up and mentally robbing her of her happiness although she KEEPS a smile on her face. She works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with NO vacation EVER. She always tells me, “God will take care of me.” I know now SHE is where I get my strength from.
The truth is, WE NEED HELP. But for every chance that we have to get help from the government, there’s another stipulation and reason why they won’t grant it. The only thing I can do is stay in prayer and know that God WILL bless me enough through my music, so that I in return, can bless my Dad with the right kind of care that he needs which will then bless my mother with the TIME that she NEEDS to be able to rest her body.
People that work with my group always ask, “Brave why the hell do you work so damn hard?” Well Mr. Harrison, Mr. Gatson, Ms. Peanut
this is what I’m fighting for…
Luv you guys!
Thanx for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
